The Secret Life of Severus Snap, Obviously
by Take a walk off my knife
Summary: This is really badly written for a bad fanfic contest please do not judge me, this is meant to be really bad (in the style of My Immortal bad) I'm REALLY REALLY SORRY for writing this!


(So this is my entry for really badly written Fanfiction please don't hate me for writing this I apologies)

Disclaimer : So dis story is not for da fiant of hart. Snap is ma idol, snape is luv snape is lyfe! So no haters, got it?! Or else I'll report you cuz snap is da best no contest ya hear!

Da room wiz dark, he liked da dark cause it was cold and he loved it. The mewzic was loud, like real loud, but he culd stull hear the other peps in the room chating loudly. His heart wiz pounding but he was totes calm with his situation cause he did dis all da time, like all da damn time. The sung had mad heavy beats and was pleazing to da ear. But he hated himself, well most of himself, so no song culd be pleasing to his ear. He was juts super sad. The musik was building in the background but he couldt hear it cuz he wiz too lost in his emo-tions (getit?).

Why did she have to die? She was so pretty, defo the prettiest gurl who had ever talken to him, well not including mummy, cuz mother would never forgive him. So she was at least in the top two pretty people he'd ever talked to, well then there was Loucious, he was a hella hot beef cake of a man but stupid cissy Cissa, man he HATED her and her stupid cruela de vil hair, had blody married him and he was univalible. So she was at least in da top three and she wiz dead. His lyfe sucked royal hippogrifs asscheeks.

Anyways he was sups sad about her deth, even though it was two years ago he still wanst over her cuz she was so pretty. He rememebered how she had like this real long blood coloured hair (but in a pretty way). And when she smiled he felt like he was flying away to the clouds of eternal happiness but now he couldn't cuz she was ded and couldn't smile.

The mewsic was still increasing but he still culdnt hear cuz he was stull so sad. What is da point? He had first thout. She wiz ded, his top bestie voldy was also ded and he had no friend. He had felt like a noob at first. Untul he realised he wuz only hated cuz evry1 hated severous snap that dey thout dey new. But he realized he wanst dat asshole, he hated that asshole two. He wanst that asshole he had realised and dat got him to now.

The music was bout 2 reach its climax, his tim had cum. Suddenly as da music blared, a spotlight hit him as he turned round. His dress billowed like in one of those cheezy romcoms that plebs and teenag gurls like to watch. It was bright pink and went to his mid calf, he was respectable after all not at all like dat tarty slut cissa. Cissa culdnt of pulled off his stunning look. He had his best wig on dat went right down his back like a blond waterfail. It was majestic, even if he did say so herself. He had on his normal work cloths, well as normal as you could get in dis muggle joint.

He began to dance sexily along the stag, prowling like a cat, cuz the guys here where in to dat he realized after a while. 'You got a gr8 ass Kitty!' Some gay guy with a beard wulf wistled from the crowd. Snaps cheeks reddened (his faces cheeks you dirty minded assholes, it wanst DAT sort of cub, no 50 shades of shite here). As Shirley Bassey began to sing her first 'Big Spender', snap walked into the crowd twowards where the guy who wolfed wistled wiz. He seductively grabbed an empty seat in da front row and pulled it behind him in tim to da musik. He strutted like Beyoncé up da aisle towards were da guy who shouted waz.

On his way he paused to dance to the choras of dis song cuz it was awesome. He noticed as he began to slut drop that loopin one of his arch nemesis from school wiz here. He hated him, asshole werewolf assbutt. But snap continued to dance cuz he had moved on with his lyfe unlike that asshat. Loopin did not seem to appreciate da show so he left to go mope somewhere else snap didn't care cuz he wiz fabulous and loopin wisnt.

Snap seductively continued up the aisle, it waz a very long aisle. The cruwd seemed to being enjoying his proformance but who wouldn't like to see Kitty Flower (dats his stag name cause sev snap is a boys name and hes a gurl now remember?) shake his ass off to Shirley Basey's Big Spender.

When he finally got up da alise to see who had called his name, he realized it was…. Dumblydoor.

Dat guy was such a creep, he was a school teacher, y was he at a muggle drag queen show in da middle of London during term tim. Dats was just a abuse of power and responsibility. Snap culd see the prophet headlines now, HEAD MASTER ABONDONS POST TO SEEK SNAPS BLOND HOT ASS. He could be famous but dat would sux cuz he wanted to keep a low profile. So snape juts ignored Dumbodork cuz just like loopin snap IS better dan him.

As the final chorus ended snap finished seductively dancing with da chair. For the last couple of Big Spenders he sexely stood on top of the chai and brandished his legs, he waz so mother fucking hot guys in da audience couldnt contain themselves.

Once the show waz over dumbludoor approached snap backstag as he was undressing. 'So Severus, or should I calls u Kitten now? Do you want 2 cum back 2 school wit me?' Dumbo asked.

'Are you offering me a job?' Snap asked, he eye filled with wunder.

'In a way I guess…' Dumbos eyes sparkled.

'Okay but you better pay me good and I want my own office, I need my space sometimes you know?' Snap insisted.

'Of course I'll pay but im no so keen on personal space epically between us' dumbo smiled sugestively, winking for emphasis but snap must of missed it cuz he waz still oblivious.

'Look if im going to be potions master imam gonna want my own office is that too much to ask' snape snaped as he took off his wig and put on more casual jeans and a black tshirt.

'Fine if you wanna be the master I guess I will juts give you an office… now will you come back to Hogwarts now princess?' Dumbo grumbled. He waz getting impatient.

'Obviously' snap smiled.


End file.
